I’m 25
years old, and I can’t tie my own shoes. It’s not because I never learned, or
because I haven’t tried; It’s because I have hemiplegic cerebral palsy. It
never fails, when someone without a disability sees someone with a disability
struggling with something and giving up, they will likely say something to the
effect of “try harder” and the person with the disability is likely to say “I
can’t do that”. When someone like me says “I can’t”, no doubt, someone will say
“you can do anything you put your mind to.” People have tried to teach me to
tie my shoes ever since, as well as other similar mundane-seeming tasks that
require two hands. The calls of “try harder” or “don’t give up” never cease.
Sometimes it’s best to be the bigger person, to admit when you need help. That
doesn’t mean people with disabilities should feel defeated, it just means we
know our limitations.
Perhaps
the worst thing about these people with the “everything is possible” attitude
is the moment when they finally realize that they were wrong. They will still
try to motivate us to no avail, but then they will also begin to tell us that
we can’t do something. It can be simple everyday things like “you can’t lift
that box” or something as big as “you can’t be a parent.” Either way, they are
attempting to use motivation as a form of control. If they wanted to make their
point in one sentence, it would be “You CAN’T be independent.” Part of
independence is knowing when to ask for help.
As I’m writing this, there is an
infomercial on TV for the “Insanity” workout, similar to P90X but it’s a 60-day
program. This is a perfect example. I can’t do this workout. Try to motivate me
all you want, I don’t have the physical capacity or ability to do these
exercises and I know I’m not alone. I know people with disabilities are not the
target audience here, but it does help me explain how people push us past
limits that they don’t acknowledge in the first place until it is convenient
for them to do so. People tell me all the time “just push yourself a little
more every time; you’ll eventually be able to walk ten miles.” How do you know
I will be able to do that? Do you know how my body works? Do you understand the
pain I feel from living with osteoarthritis every day? Most likely, the people
who say things like this have absolutely no idea what my limits are, nor will
they know the limitations of anyone with disabilities.
Saying
“I can’t” is not admitting defeat, it’s not admitting weakness, it’s admitting
a natural limitation and being logical. When someone without a disability says
they can’t do something, provided they are over the age of, say, ten, people
will believe them. People without disabilities are allowed to have limitations
but we are not, apparently. We have to be the extremely optimistic,
inspirational story for everyone to gawk at and say “look at them, they didn’t
give up, you shouldn’t either.” I am not that guy. Don’t look at me and say that
I never gave up, because I have. I say “I can’t”, and that phrase will never
leave my vocabulary like some people believe it should. What I encourage is
that we try, and that we realize when something is impossible or when we need
help to accomplish something. I do encourage everyone to try to exceed their
limitations, but to do so safely. I encourage you to stand up and say “I can’t”
too, but don’t feel defeated by it, feel accomplished that you have tried. It
is a very powerful phrase though. I recommend that you only use it as I do,
when your options have been exhausted and your limit has been reached. Say it
like you mean it, and only WHEN you mean it. I hope I am not the only one who
has this view of “I can’t”. I am who I am, and I have limitations. I try not to
let them stop me, but they will, so maybe it’s better to say I like to keep the
effect of my limitations to a minimum.
Perhaps
the best way to end this post is to say I can’t have people in my life who
don’t accept this part of me.
