I've heard the same thing from some family members, some good friends, and some people I'd rather never see again. At various points in the last eight years or so, there have been a few people who have suggested to me that I should date someone with a disability; most of these times I was told I should find someone with CP. I don't quite know how to feel about this because, like many situations in life, I see two sides and can agree with both of them.
On one hand (pun absolutely 100% intended), I need to find somebody who knows how it is to live with CP and who is just as aware of my desire to be as independent as possible. She'll need to understand how CP affects me even when I try not to let it "get in the way." I'm sure there would be situations where one of us may need some help and the other can help out, but there would be just as many situations where we couldn't help each other, where do we turn then? Speaking of not being able to help each other, this may be one of the most negative-sounding positive qualities to a couple where both parties have disabilities, and that quality is the ability to understand that if I say "I can't" do something, I really mean it. There would be no lecture on my negativity, nobody there to say "never say that" in an attempt to give false motivation, it's all understanding. I'm absolutely sure, whether I find someone with or without disability, they need to know the difference between "I can't" and "I don't know if I can do that."
On the other hand, I might find someone without a disability. Some people might be thinking that there couldn't be any negatives to me dating someone without a disability, but I see a few. First and foremost is my preconception that I don't want to "bother" her too much asking for help that I might need, especially if it comes up often (bother, for lack of a better word). I know that if I had a girlfriend, she would be more than willing to help me when needed, but I would never want her to think that I'd be taking advantage of that help, and I can see someone feeling that way because everybody has their limits as to what they can handle. My disability in combination with my living situation make it difficult to find a job. That makes me feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. If and when this relationship thing finally happens for me, I want to do it the right way; treat her like she means the world to me because if all goes right, she would. The next thing that comes to mind isn't easy for me to talk about for so many reasons; apprehension, past experiences, and the one piece of negative self-image that partially stems from my CP. I have NEVER been told that I'm attractive, and with every single girl I meet, I can't help but wonder if it is the CP that causes this or has caused it in the past. I might hear her say that it's not because of the CP, but how can I possibly know she means it? It's nearly impossible for me to believe that. My friends tell me I'm a great guy, but without some level of physical attraction, nothing ever happens; a potential girlfriend walks by me and doesn't even look twice. It has to be said here that I'd rather not deal with people who can't accept me for who I am, disability or not; but once again the physical attraction, as shallow as it seems, has to happen before any deep connection can be made. Of course, if something does eventually start to work out, the issue of physical attraction will come into play again later on; Without going into too much detail, everyone over age 16 probably knows what I mean when I say that. That's an experience I haven't had yet, my friends know it and some of them keep telling me I need to change that, but they don't realize how difficult it can be. I'm pretty confident in who I am, but the nerves come in when I start thinking about who others think I am. I'm often told not to worry about what others think of me, and I try my best not to in most aspects of life, but in the dating scene I HAVE TO think about how they all see me. I have to analyze the things that she says, and the moves that she makes (when they seem positive) to determine what her intentions are. Nobody ever said "get the hell away from me" to someone they just met and joked about it, but the opposite has been done. People lead people on all the time, and sometimes I wish they'd just shut down the whole operation the moment they knew it wouldn't work. I would rather hear her say "get the hell away from me" than give me her phone number and never answer a call. Sometimes, if you don't tell someone to stop trying, they won't. Definitely, do not give me your phone number if you don't intend for me to use it. Mixed signals never make anything better. Don't even let me climb onto the ladder if you intend to throw me off of it anyway. There are some people who will tell you to step back off the ladder as soon as you step on the first rung, but there seem to be more who would rather see you climb near the top so they can push you off and watch you fall and get hurt. I personally believe that those people who like to watch people get hurt that way deserve to be alone for the rest of their lives. Some of my best friends are girls who have, at some point, told me that they aren't attracted to me at all and they just want to be friends. I can appreciate that, and I really do appreciate these friendships, but I feel like I'm at a point where I can't create many more friendships like this, for the time being. The fact is, that has been happening to me since I was too young to even know what attraction was, back in the days of cooties. Even in kindergarten, three of my best friends in the world were girls and the boys thought this was really odd. I didn't care that they thought it was odd though; these boys were the ones who antagonized me to no end just because my hand looked different and I walked a little funny. These three girls will always hold a special place in my heart, and I really hope they all know it. My mom used to tell me that she thought I would have married one of them. All these years later that seems impossible, but I hope they remain friends for life wherever they decide to live. At least the internet makes that a bit easier. Friendships like these that I've made through the years will be with me forever. I truly do appreciate every one of them, but I'm starting to feel like I can't make many more because now I'm looking for something more than close friendship.
I don't know if, when, or where I'll find who I've been searching for, but I do know that the lack of confidence is not permanent, it's situational. I know I will be myself again, and when I am, the CP will still be there. A future girlfriend or wife will have accepted my disability and accepted me for me, but finding that person seems incredibly difficult. My friends tell me to put myself out there...well, it's hard to get "out there". When I said that, it was suggested that I try online dating. I tried it, and met the girl who gave me her phone number and didn't expect me to use it. After that experience I decided to try again online so I didn't feel like I let her win and I got burned a second time. I can't worry about treading lightly, and yet I have to. There are two sides to everything. In this case, I want both sides and so far I've been lucky if I found one of those in someone. If I tell myself I'll never get what I want, then I won't. I know she's out there, I just don't know where, when, or whether or not she has a disability.
Everyone keeps telling me to be patient, but that's all I've been for a long time, and I'm starting to get sick and tired of the waiting game. I've heard that you have to fail before you can succeed. In this particular aspect of life, nobody has even given me an opportunity to fail yet. I've had some experiences, all of them crazy, but if you'd even call these experiences "dates", I would have to call you a liar.
Whoever she is, with or without disability, I know for sure that she will have to accept and love me for who I am, and I will have to return those feelings. That will be the easiest thing in the world to do, for both of us; I'm sure of that, too. I just can't wait to meet her.
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