The words "convenient" and "spontaneous" and any of their variations just don't exist in my life at this point. I hope that someday convenience will become a part of my life. Everything seems like it has to be planned out a week or more in advance. I miss so many of my friends, but I can't just jump in my car and go see them; I can't even walk to the bus stop, call someone and say "I'll see you soon." I can't be the spontaneous person I really want to be, and it's because of my CP and no other reason. Anything I want to get done depends on other people helping me, and I can't even begin to explain how much it bothers me. If it's not transportation, it's money that stops me. I can't even go look for a job until someone else is available to help me. When you have CP, nothing ever just "works out", it all takes entirely too much planning, sometimes a week's notice just to go look for jobs. What gets me more than that is when I actually ask for help, I hear a response that basically amounts to "I need to live my life, you need to make this happen yourself." The only time convenience comes into my life is when others tell me that it's not convenient for them to help me out. There are some things I can't interrupt, and I know that. I never asked anyone to take time off from work to help me out, but I can't even count how many times I asked for help and heard "Well, I'm supposed to meet my friend for dinner". The way I'm told always makes it sound like this is a real obligation, and it's obviously not. I understand I'm not the center of the universe, but it's always the same people saying that I need to make things happen for myself who are refusing to help me when I ask for help. They don't see that when I ask for some help, that's the only route I feel I can go to get things done. Nothing is ever convenient for me, and nobody is even sympathetic toward me. Sympathy isn't what I'm looking for really, I'm looking for people to stop criticizing me for asking for help and just help me. They say they're my biggest supporters, but they just refuse to let me get in the way of them living their lives. The way things are, they'll never change. I don't deserve basic things like respect and privacy because I'm not making money, but the people that feel this way toward me don't make any effort to help me fix it. If money is that important to YOU, you should want to help me succeed. If that's really what you want for me, just see that I want it too, and HELP ME.
Even if I have trouble finding a job when I can get out and look, there are alternative solutions. I could apply for Social Security Disability, but I've tried that twice in the past and both times I got denied. I brought this to the attention of a friend of mine, and she suggested that I look into applying for welfare benefits. SSDI and welfare aren't really the way I want to go. I'd rather be productive and get a job, but obviously that doesn't seem entirely possible right now. Applying for welfare seemed to be a good idea, even if I'd only be on it until I found a job. I brought this to my mom's attention and she said "I don't think you need to be on welfare, your dad paid into Social Security. You should qualify, I think they denied you because you were in college. Now that you're out you should qualify." Hearing that makes it seem like she wants me to be in a dead end life. I know it's just a preliminary test, but the PA welfare website TOLD ME I would qualify within a few minutes. Somebody please explain to me why I should waste my time with Social Security when the Welfare Dept. already told me I could get cash assistance? Why does it seem like my "biggest supporter" is trying to keep me under her control? Finally, when something seems convenient for me, complications come up when these people who are supposedly supporting me get involved. I guess I should start working on this behind their backs, and when they see checks coming in the mail in my name, then they'll say they want a piece of it. At that point, all that's left for me to say is "it's not the way I wanted to get by, but this is my money and you doubted me the whole way. Don't tell me you deserve any of it." It would be a possible first step toward my independence, it figures somebody would try to stop me. I don't even know what to say to them anymore. Any ideas? Feel free to let me know.
